The answer to our prayers has arrived!

A change vividly noticeable to all Barons, these new improvements to Bonita Vista High’s campus demanded everyone’s attention upon their introduction, and have already had a profound impact on the student body in their short time here.

Hold your breath, clutch your pearls, and behold the wonder that is:

Eight (8) new umbrellas.

These beauties can be found in all of their shining glory in front of the cafeteria, collectively covering eight of the area’s 18 tables.

Not only will this new development benefit students, it also represents the best financial decision made within the Sweetwater Union High School District (SUHSD) since the early retirement of 322 teachers to account for district budget shortfalls.

Celebrity financial advisor Suze Orman would be proud.

These umbrellas are also the perfect investment to make in response to the crisis. Of all the things BVH has to worry about, this was rightfully at the top of our priority list. No matter that 88 administrators may be terminated or reassigned by the end of May to account for SUHSD’s remaining debt, we need shade!

While most Barons continue to spend lunchtime in classrooms, some students can now lavish in the wonderous shade of the umbrellas and laugh at their salads like Shutterstock stock image models in peace.

Bennie Factor is one such student.

“These umbrellas are awesome. They’re perfect to watch all of these recent fights break out from,” Factor said. “They’re also nice to sit under for people-watching, especially like when police officers were on campus after the two recent school shooting threats.”

For others, the umbrellas have also become a source of school pride.

“Competing on our school’s badminton team all these years, I’ve gotten to see a lot of San Diego high school campuses that I’ve always been a little jealous of. Their classrooms have smart-boards, they have state-of-the-art gyms and stadiums, they even have soap dispensers in all of their bathrooms” Jim Nasium said. “I used to feel a little embarrassed about our facilities during home games, but these eight new umbrellas have really put us over the top.”

Despite this overwhelmingly positive response from the student body, a minority of community members find the new umbrellas troubling.

“Regardless of how these umbrellas were exactly paid for, they send a strange message. How are we buying new umbrellas when there seem to be so many other things that the money which we do actually have should be going toward, like the football stadium and track that have been promised to students for decades? Optics are important,” one seagull said. “Squawk.”

The seagull further explained his community’s frustration with now being unable to steal students’ food and their plan to start an uprising in retaliation.

“Be afraid,” it said. “Be very afraid.”

Ultimately, though, a clear majority of students have faith that the umbrellas will forever change the lives of BVH students. They represent eight (8) beacons of hope, casting shadows over the many problems commonly associated with BVH and bringing light to all the positives that our community has to offer.

“We seem to have worse spending habits than my friend Jessica and she’s a huge hype-beast. Like, she bought three Supreme bricks right when they came out,” Joe King said. “Besides, compared to other things, I don’t know how necessary these new umbrellas were. There’s already plenty of shade here.”