As the San Diego Civic Theater lights dimmed, my heart jolted in excitement, anticipating for the first starting note to lead the opening song of Les Misérables on Oct. 15. In celebration of my upcoming 17th birthday, my mom purchased two tickets for us. Watching a musical about the June Rebellion, poverty and revolutionaries for two hours and 50 minutes was all I needed for the perfect birthday gift.
As the days passed by in a blink, I could hardly process the day before my birthday. It felt too quick of a year and I did not know how to let go of being 16 years old and embrace the next chapter of my life.
When the clock struck midnight, messages wishing me a happy birthday rolled in. The first moments into Oct. 17, was the complete opposite of happy—it was nerve wracking. In contrast to what my childhood self would have liked, I wished I could stop time in order to be distant from adulthood.
Late into the night, I found myself scrolling through my camera roll, reminiscing back to the past, when I was more than excited to grow up and enter adulthood. I had my future set and nailed into my head. When my relatives or teachers asked me what I wanted to be in the future, I did not hesitate to answer; I wanted to be a ballerina and fashion designer. My thoughts ran wild when considering all the possible choices I had for my future.
However, as I am working on college applications, it never fails to remind me that I am so near to deciding what I want to pursue in the future. Oftentimes, I would feel overwhelmed at the thought of deciding my major and questioning if I was on the right path to a stable future. The pressure of understanding what I want to accomplish in the future frightens me—especially when those around me are familiar with what they want to pursue.
In contrast to when I was little, when someone brings up the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” all I can reply back with is “I am not sure” with a laugh, hoping to cover up my uncertain future. I would envy my peers who would tell me their plans for university to reach their career goals. As my blanket of adolescence is forcefully being pulled away by time, I can no longer hide under the covers to avoid questions about my future.
When I announced to everyone that I was going to be both a ballerina and a fashion designer, I received compliments. Of course, now I am expected to plan out realistic goals that I can achieve. No longer receiving as much positive reinforcement as I did when I was six years old, I find myself avoiding questions about my future—gradually erasing the passion I had when describing my goals.
Mentioned in a survey of 500 students conducted by YouScience, an integrated college and career readiness platform, 75% of high school graduates “reported feeling moderately, slightly, or not at all prepared” with their futures. With most young generations feeling lost, it gives me another reminder that the emotions I may be feeling are common.
Fortunately, having a support system and people I can go to for help allows me to feel reassured about university and my future. Setting all of my worries aside, if there is one thing to look forward to about my future, it has to be venturing off into freedom and independence.
Before the end of the 2023-2024 first semester, I hope to familiarize myself with my interests and discover what potential career paths I might be interested in. With frequent observations of my hobbies and continuing to research the options open for me, maybe the candle that was blown out can relight itself again.
