I felt the familiar dull pain on my knuckle as I began another stitch with the yarn. Lucia, I told myself, stop doing this to yourself! After weeks of working on this crocheting project, I had developed a protruding callous on my finger where the metal crochet hook pressed against my flesh. And yes, it was painful. But, yes, it was because I hold on too tight. 

That’s just who I am: the person who wants maximum control over her life, from her tools to her feelings.

As a third grader, I struggled to learn the ‘correct’ way to hold my writing utensil. Not because I couldn’t figure out how, but because I felt so much more secure and in control of writing when in my natural position. I was also the student who often snapped her pencil lead because I pressed so hard on the paper. 

Yet, now I have found that very little of the ‘big things’ in my life are under my control: from when the pandemic will end for all of us, to where I will get into college, to who will win the presidential election. 

The good days have become the ones where I can push all of that stress to the back of my mind and find happiness in the small, controllable parts of my life. Yesterday, I won two Kahoots for my biology class, and that simple achievement sent me over the moon. I felt that I had energy I hadn’t felt in weeks. 

Last week, as I was picking out an outfit to wear I realized that it gave me a little burst of happiness when I found a top and bottom pair matching in color. So, on Monday I wore all purple, on Tuesday I wore all blue, and on Wednesday I was decked out in green. When sharing this with my father he asked curiously, “Is there a spirit week at school or something?”

“No,” I responded sheepishly. “It just makes me happy.”

Focusing on these small, but impactful, controllable areas of our life can truly work wonders. 

Despite knowing this deep down, when I am sitting next to my mom she sometimes asks for a back massage, and the feedback is always the same: “¡Más suave!” Softer! 

I can’t help but want to control all parts of my life, down to the precise force I use when giving a massage or crocheting a granny square. Yet, I can continue to change my attitude about those ‘uncontrollable’ parts of my day-to-day life. It is not a one-time solution, but a habit we have to slowly adapt to.

When I get frustrated that I cannot control the words that will come out of the president’s mouth next, I take a deep breath and focus harder on the next words that will come out of mine. When I feel hopeless about our changing climate, I reassure myself by focusing on my personal choices, like buying from sustainable businesses. If the amount of homework I have feels unbearable, I focus on putting my time to valuable use. When I crave for freedom from my screen, but have just sat down for my first period, I can put my effort towards setting time to sit outside.

These ‘feel good’ choices can be as meaningful or as simple as we need them to be, but they are important in a time like now. We have to get used to a state of magnified uncontrollability, as this pandemic is not currently “rounding the turn,” no matter what President Trump says. 

The impact of some extra happiness can go a long way. While it is easier to be sad than happy, it also hurts a little less when I make the choice to hold on less tightly to the crochet hook.