Funerals are some of the most bittersweet moments people experience. Families and friends come together to honor the loss of someone special in their lives. The last funeral I have been to was in 2021, so it had been a while for me. Although not a loss of life, one of my dearest friendships had broken. 

Losing a best friend is almost like losing a piece of yourself and someone special in your life. They are gone from every aspect of your life, but have left traces of themselves within your personality and your smile. In order to heal from this, it is almost like I have to grieve their presence because essentially, they are gone. This is one of the hardest losses I have experienced in my teenage years.

Aug. 26 was the day that my best friend and I parted ways. We had looked over our friendship over the last couple of months and realized that there was something we skipped over: growth. It appeared that we no longer had the kind of friendship that we used to have, over a year ago.

It broke my heart when I realized that my best friend, someone who knew me inside and out, and I had grown without the other.  Being so caught up in my own life and needs,  I haven’t realized that our friendship had been causing us mental turmoil for the last couple months.

I had different emotional needs that they could not meet anymore and I had not been able to support them in the way that I wanted to. I acknowledged the love and adoration I have for them was simply not enough for the both of us to stay in a friendship that was holding both of us back. Thus, it led me to the decision that we could not ignore these problems any longer. 

I took it upon myself to cut ties with them, meaning we would not speak on a daily basis and see each other weekly. The thought of not talking to them hurt me in a new way that I have never felt before. We had future plans for a concert later in October for their birthday, but it seems as if those plans must be put on hold.

I spent most of the night tossing and turning, thinking if I could talk to them just one last time—I could convince them that we can still be friends. But I knew in my heart and mind, if I did that, we would be stuck in an endless loop of disappointment on both sides. 

The first step I am planning to take is to continue to work on my relationships with my other friends. Not necessarily to replace their position as a best friend, but to remind myself that other people care about me. 

The second step is to continue working on myself. I will continue to work, draft college essays and prepare for my future, even if it means they won’t be in it. However, I have always known that the future is not set in stone.

Thirdly, I have a habit of blaming myself for circumstances out of my control. This situation counts as one of them. It is important to realize that it was no one’s fault that we outgrew each other. Gentle reminders toward myself can help ease the grieving slightly. 

Although our friendship ended on good terms, there is something inside me that yearns to talk to them again. Unfortunately, we cannot grow together until we have improved ourselves individually. That does not mean I give up hope, though. I cannot wait until we have grown and can have a healthier version of our friendship later in the future.

For now, it is okay for me to grieve the loss of my best friend, to recognize that I will not have that special presence in my life. For now, I can focus on bettering myself, in hopes of reconciling again in the future.