On the day of my friend Sam’s 18th birthday, I came to a realization. Since middle school, I have watched this person grow up and flourish into the person they are today. We met when we were 12 and 14, and now they are graduating in four months. It made me think, wow, I have known this person for so long, and they have been such a huge part of my life, what am I going to do when they are gone? 

The bonds we make with our upper classmen are special. They are people we look up to and the ones who warn us about future classes we might take or teachers we may have. They are the guiding light that we follow because they have a year up on us, they know things we do not. Unfortunately, that also means they graduate a whole year before us too, and when they do, what are we supposed to do after? 

Our friends are moving onto the next stage of life while we have no choice but to stay back. At that point we are exhausted because of school. It feels like you have finished your senior year before you even enter it. All their complaining about college applications and senioritis makes it feel like their problems are also your own. So when it feels like you have already lived that year of life through them, why would you want to do it again without them? I can already feel the weariness of it. The real reason senior year is exhausting is because the people who got us through the previous years are gone. Sure, you have your friends from your grade level, but what about the guiding light that showed you the ropes? It has grown dim, maybe even blacked out completely.

The truth is, I am nowhere near ready for my senior friends to leave. I am in my junior year of high school and I have no idea what it is like to experience it without my seniors because they were once my juniors and once my sophomores. Now, they are the people I am counting down my days with. I know I can realistically continue without them, but I am going to have to get used to not having them around.

I can tell myself, “We will still be close, we will still have time for each other,” but deep down I know I am lying to myself. Things will change. We might still be able to talk and maybe manage to see each other once in a while. But the routine I got used to will never be the same. I suppose that is what I am not ready for. No one really is. 

But I think the most painful thing about it is you will inevitably cease to be a significant part of their life. They will be college students soon, and they will not have time for you once they are. Then it becomes all too real that they are moving on in their life without you. They get to be free while you are still  trapped in school, they are the ones you grow apart from the quickest after high school, because they leave first. They get used to you not being a regular occurrence and slowly become more okay with you not being around. That is not because you were never important, it is solely for the fact that they are living life one year ahead of you. 

Now, that is not how it always plays out. Maybe the stronger friendships really do keep some contact. However, the one thing remains true in every year-apart friendship is that the relationship you once had will not be the same after the first graduation. Your friend is going to be gone, and they are going to experience new things–without you. 

Of course it is kind of bittersweet, more bitter than sweet, but still sweet. It really is nice to know your friend is doing okay without you, but the thing is, that feeling of longing is inescapable. You long to be with them, you want them to come back, as selfish as it is. If you feel that way at all, do not feel bad about it, it is really hard to let friendships go. Especially if you are not really letting them go, you are just watching them fade.

It is really just that sad, that when they go you might even forget what was good about your time with them when you had them. Your senior friends’ departure may be creeping in, but that is all the more reason to make the most of the moments you have left with them.